wOrdS tHat i caN’t say..

i’m a strong girl, keeping my shit in line even when the
tears are streaming down my face, i still manage to say
the words "i’m fine". i don’t think anyone will ever know
how many times I put the blame on myself.

Somewhere between the procrastination, the homework, the friendships, and the nasty cafeteria food, the calls to old friends, the i miss yous, and the i love yous, and what are we doing tonight`s? somewhere between all of the changed and growing and the skipping

classes, the studying for tests, and the pretending to be studying for tests, and the downriight not studying for tests, i forgot. ..i forgot what it meant to cry. i forgot that pretending to be happy doesn`t make you happy. i forgot that pretending to be smart doesn`t make you smart. and that pretending to be okay doesn`t make youu okay. i forgot that you can`t just forget the past in fear of our future.. i forgot that you can`t control falling in love.. and that youu can`t make yourself fall in love. i learned.. i learned that i can love

.. i learned that it`s okay to mess up. and it`s okay to ask for help.. and it`s okay to feel like crap.. i learned it`s okay to complain and whine to all your friends for a whole day.. that somehow they`ll make it all better. i learned that sometimes the things you want most are the ones you can`t have. i learned that the greatest thing about school isn`t going to be who is most popular or going to the parties..not even the hook ups.. it`s the friendships.. which means taking chances. i learned that sometimes the things we forgive and forget are the things which we most need to talk about.. i learned that letters from friends are the most important thing.. and that sending cards to your friends makes youu feel better.. but basically, i just learned that my friends, both old and new, are the most important people to me in the world.

Remember when friends didn’t lie to you?
& the worst thing anyone EVER called you was a meanie.
Remember when you were judged on how nice you were?
& how you only wanted to hear i love you from your mom?
Well, now.. friends barely tell you the truth.
& people will call you tons of things that will make you want to break down and cry

;
Now you’re judged on how expensive your clothes are.
& you’d give up every single time your mom ever told you how she loved you;
just to hear him say it once …

i refuse to look in the mirror,
I refuse to see my face,
Red and tear streaked,
As my world falls out of place.
I refuse to look in the mirror,
To see the hurt in my eyes,
The shaking of my body,
As i resort to silent cries.
I refuse to look in the mirror,
The pain in my heart spread like an infection,
And I witness it all,
All through my reflection.
I refuse to look in the mirror,
To see that last teardrop fall,
I refuse to watch the failure,
As i give up on it all…

So this is when I finally learn the real meaning of change. You do things you used to be against, be with the people you never even consider and befriend the people you used to hate. You’ll learn what it’s like to have your heart b.r.o.k.e.n. , to LOSE a friend that touches your life and truly meant something to you, and to eel as I everything is really falling a.p.a.r.t.

…there will be points that your lie seems so absolutely horrible is feels like it’s not real. Despite all this, good things will come too…you’ll make amazing friends that will be there for you even when they probably shouldn’t be; your broken heart will heal once you find the most perfect guy you’ve ever met; and just as nothing else can go wrong, things will only get better. There will be days that you are so happy and high…and days that you feel like dying. Drama happens, gossip goes around and people talk crap. Maybe this is high school; maybe this is lie; or maybe this is just what growing up is. With every bad things…comes something better, you just have to know that, through everything. There will be those people that help you get through it all and that the only things that matters…

i dOn’t knOw wHerE i’m gOing…

bUt thAt’s tHe beaUty of it.

She may be confused about a
lot of things, but one thing she surely
knows is that the happiest fuckin time of her life is with them.

iannE.  danisa. jOsOl. rolly. kayla. ada.